Random Funny Stories
by The Big Rocky Eye
Summary: Chapter 2: Kyle's Diary. No peeking! Oh, and if you don't like OOCness, stay out on peril of hating me forever! Actually, that wasn't much of a threat, but whatever.
1. Parodies on Aesop's Fables

Random Funny Stories

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I was just reading Aesop's Fables a few days ago, and I thought, "Hey, why not make parodies of them? That would be pretty funny. They're stories in their own right, and they do have some connection between them (Jenna). Prepare yourself for some OOCness. Big time. 

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Golden Sun or Aesop's Fables. You agree not to hold the author liable for any discomforts associated with reading this fanfiction.

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Chapter 1: Aesop's Fables: The Golden Sun version

The Young Maiden and the Sheep

Jenna was a very poor young maid since Vale was destroyed. After the lighthouses, she managed to procure a single sheep. Now, when its fleece grew nice and white, she decided to shear it herself, instead of taking it to the professional shearer Sunshine, who charged the lofty fee of 40 coins per sheep. But she sheared horribly, making the poor sheep bleed, at which the sheep complained:

"Why do you treat your only sheep so, Jenna? You may be poor, but my blood adds not to the value of my fleece. If you want to eat me, ask Garet to butcher me; but if you want my fleece, do it properly or go get Sunshine!"

At this Jenna was horribly incensed, saying, "I don't need Garet to butcher you! I'll cook you and eat you now!" After casting the Dragon Fume spell, she ripped out a piece of flesh and ate.

_Moral of the story: Do not antagonize Jenna._

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Jenna, Felix and the Sheep

About a week before the incident related above, Jenna and the sheep were out in the fields. Felix, voraciously hungry, approached them. Now it must be said that Felix has a most singular and curious aversion to the bleating of a sheep. (As long as they remained silent they scared him not.) Now, as he was blackmailing Jenna for food, the sheep bleated and Felix, abandoning his quest for food, ran into the forest. Jenna, not knowing of his brother's secret fear, thought that she would revenge herself upon him, seeing as though he was scared of a simple sheep. She chased after him, and after no long distance he turned and cast an Odyssey spell on her. Her fury aroused, she beat her own brother straight into the sea. (Note that this occurred near Bilibin, so this was quite the feat.)

_Moral of this story: A girl's instinct is always right in the end.

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_

The Three Idiots

Three merchants of the names of Isaac, Garet and Piers were in the streets of Bilibin when the alarm came up that Jenna was angry at the lord McCoy, who asked anyone in the town to devise ways of defending it. Now, Isaac was a lumberjack and sold wood. Naturally, he suggested that they used wood to defend the town. Piers sold Lemurian trinkets, and he suggested that they capture her attention with the baubles. Now Garet, a butcher, proposed that they toss meat in the way of her fire spells.

Upon her arrival (she left the sheep at Vault), all three put their plans into action. Isaac tried to knock her out with a plank of wood, but they both were burnt. Piers distracted her with the trinkets…until she knocked him over. Now Garet threw a piece of meat at her. She burnt it and ate it, thus averting a tragedy.

_Morals of the story: Jenna is not attached to the sheep, she likes meat and Garet is not an idiot.

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_

Jenna and Sheba

A few days after Jenna lost her sheep, her friend Sheba came to visit. Now Sheba was a very kind-hearted young lady. Seeing Jenna in her plight, she gave her money to tide her over until she could find a job. Sheba had no sooner got back to her house in Lalivero that she found a letter from Jenna asking for more money. She obliged, and sent another thousand coins. Jenna used these up in two months, and sent to Sheba asking for more. Thus she did continually until the third month of Mars, when Sheba became angry. She said thus, "If you had treated Isaac or Piers like this, you would soon have been crushed." At this Jenna sent the reply, "I can live because I know who to bully and who to flatter; but you shall receive me at your home shortly." In ten day's time Sheba was found horrifically injured on the roof of the Anemos Sanctum, while Jenna sat in her new mansion counting piles of gold.

_Moral of this story: The roof of the Anemos Sanctum, when landing on it, hurts.

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_

Ivan, Garet and Kay

As we take leave of Jenna for the time being, we peer into the household of the Jerra family, whose patriarch was the Mayor of the former town of Vale. They, being fairly well-to-do, set up shop in Tolbi. One day during the festival called Colosso, Garet was observed to be kicking and hitting his sister Kay. She reproached him, saying "What did I ever do to you, Garet? Stop kicking me!" At this Garet replied, "Aaron is poking me, and it is only an unfortunate accident that I am kicking you." Kay, not believing this, asked for the testimony of Ivan, who, being of Jupiterian descent, knew the art of peering into people's hearts. Ivan informed Kay that Garet was indeed lying, at which Garet summoned a meteor down on them both.

_Moral of the story: Garet may not be entirely stupid, but apart from lying he was stupid to summon a meteor in the town.

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_

Jenna and the Sheep's Remains

Now, a week days after Jenna fried her sheep, she held one of its charred bones and started weeping. She stared at it for the longest time, almost as if inspecting and remembering every minute detail of it. She did so for a few hours until the ghost of the sheep came, saying, "Baa! Now do you repent of burning me?" Jenna replied, "No; I have Sheba's money for sustenance. I weep because I didn't burn this bone of yours well enough the first time; it didn't crumble when I picked it up."

_Moral of the story: Jenna holds herself to high standards; if she burns something, she will burn it quite throughly. Don't cross her._


	2. Kyle's Diary, Part One

Kyle's Diary: Part One

I don't know what drove me to write this. I had it on my hard drive for a while now, and now I'm posting it. Yay.

On searching, I found a fic called "Dora's Diary" by Griffinkhan (Is that how you spell it?), but I think mine's sufficiently different to avoid charges of plagiarism. If anyone believes otherwise, let me know and I will be sure to remove this. Anyways...

TAKE NOTE! I decided that there had to be names for Felix's and Garet's parents (and Felix's aunt), so they are:  
Peter – Felix's Dad  
Ivy – Felix's Mom  
Laura – Felix's Aunt  
Taylor – Garet's Dad  
Lizzie – Garet's Mom

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_Day 9 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

I got this diary for my birthday today. What fun! I'll start now…or rather, I started a few words ago. Anyways. Today is my fifteenth birthday, and Mom and Dad are having a big birthday party for me. Dora came over - curse that pig! I seriously don't know why everyone thinks I like her. I'm not so unrefined as to take to filthy, uncivilized brutes who take pleasure in taking away pleasure…or whatever. I've got my sights higher: Ivy, Peter's girl. I've been devising a plan to kill Peter for months. Won't write it down here, because "pitchers have ears", and someone might peek.

Which reminds me: Ivy came over! I hear from Taylor that she dragged Peter over by the ear. Maybe Ivy _has_ fallen for me? Oh, and I got a sword for a birthday present. Dad says I start training tomorrow. Heck, I want to learn Psynergy! That's so much cooler than sword fighting. But at least it's a start…

I can throw my sword (rather short, by the way) at Dora's head. Could prove to be a laugh.

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_Day 10 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

Dad's training is so horrible. I can't even hold the stupid sword properly yet! I'd give it away, but it's fun to use… Anyways, I heard that Peter's dad teaches how to use a sword. I'm on good terms with the guy, and he has to be better than Dad.

By the way, I threw the sword at Dora today. She spun around when I called her, got hit in the forehead (square between the eyes!) and fell into the river. She ended up on Peter's dock! Serves her right, being such a bully to everyone.

I saw Peter with Ivy today. That plan is almost ready! I just need an Excalibur and a net. Oh, Ivy, how I love thine sweet face, that shineth like the moon; oh, what war of red and white in thine lovely cheeks!

Must stop using the Olde English.

I saw Taylor today. He's some lucky bastard, being the new mayor's son. But then, the old mayor was his grandfather. Who died. What a pity. Funeral tomorrow. Noticed Excalibur on his wall.

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_Day 15 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

Taylor asked why I was not with Dora. Punched him in the face. Now I have to go to court. He's some lucky bastard, being the mayor's son.

Peter's dad's training is so horrible, I am going to force Dad to train me – if I don't go to jail.

I found Dora floating down the river again. I went over and poked her nose. She spit on me! The nerve of her! Well, I kicked her, and she tried to drop me in the river with Psynergy. Failed utterly.

Dad told me that Psynergy training starts next month. Dad is one of town's best Adepts. Maybe I can use Psynergy to drop Dora in the river again – or, better yet, into old man Tennyson's backyard. Should prove to be a laugh.

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_Day 22 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

I cannot believe it. Taylor betrayed me! I am now sentenced for a week in jail. The whole jury voted against me! "Vox populi, vox dei", the judge said. Sure, whatever. Taylor's some lucky bastard, being the mayor's son.

Dora came to visit. She brought that stupid spear again. Tried to hit me with it when the guard wasn't looking. Hit her on the head.

Peter came over later, speaking in his Peterlish again. I can't understand any of the babble! It was only when Ivy came over that I got the bad news (and a decent translation): They were engaged! They were getting married in two or three months. I see a net on the wall. My plan is almost ready. Though, I feel my heart breaking all the same.

Oh, and Dad and Dora's mom are fighting outside the jail, or so I hear.

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_Day 23 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

I got let out of jail five days early. Apparently, I was crying so much that the steel would rust. Looks like Valean steel isn't that great.

Started training with Dad again. Compared to Peter's dad, he is an excellent teacher. I can actually hold my sword now! Yay!

Learned "Move" from Dad. Guess what I did? Well, I was at the riverside, and I saw Peter and Dora, right next to each other. I just couldn't resist! I pushed them both into the river, Peter flailing on top of Dora. By the time they stopped fighting, I was long gone. Now, how shall I get that net?

I got scolded for using too much Psynergy at once, by the way. Just found out Dora owns the Catch Beads. Hmm…

Dora's mom came by. After a huge argument with Dad, they started fighting. It was comical, almost, how they fought. Dora's mom made the earth open up under Dad…just as he dropped a huge boulder on top of her.

Dora's mom is buried under rocks now. I need to make Dad teach me how to do that! But I'll tease Dora about her tomorrow.

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_Day 24 of the Third Holy Month of Venus of the 249th Year of the Seal_

Teased Dora about her mom being buried by Dad. She cried! What an amusing little creature.

Dad taught me how to make rocks fall on people's head. I got dizzy after the first try, but Dad was impressed. He said I was progressing quicker than anyone else he knew, and that I was an excellent Adept, considering I was fifteen. He also told me to keep practicing, because I had potential! Yay!

Now, for an update on Operation Blacklist: Dora's Catch beads would prove invaluable for retrieving the net. When there is a proclamation in the town, the Mayor's house is always empty. Master blacksmith Sunlight is coming to town on the Festival of Snow.

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_Day 13 of the Third Holy Month of Jupiter of the 249th Year of the Seal_

I learned how to drop big rocks from the sky. How exciting! And the easy Psynergy isn't dizzying anymore. Dad's awfully proud of me…until Dora and her mom came over. Seriously, why do they always come over? Mom never talks to them, and Dad always gets into fights with Dora's mom. She's a village elder, by the way…but so is Dad.

It was all so complicated, I decided to clear my mind through concentration. And whoops! My concentration almost broke Dora's skull. Which incited a fight between Dad and Dora's mom. Gah!

Dora is such a _baby. _She came and hit me. Of course I hit her back! And with nice, big rocks, too. Then I found a pile of rocks close to Dad and Dora's mom fighting. Wow…I wish I could do that…now they're pulling out swords. This should change things up…

Dora crawled out from under the pile of rocks I was sitting on and hit me. _That _was amusing. But if Dad doesn't teach me how to use Earthquake, I'm going to throw a temper tantrum.

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_Day 25 of the Third Holy Month of Mars of the 249th Year of the Seal_

Wow. It's been a while…more than a month since I last wrote in here. Anyways, it's the festival of Snow today, and that means presents! I got…

A lump of coal. From…Dora. It's all fair, I guess; I sent her a Mimic.

UPDATE: OPERATION BLACKLIST

Peter marrying Ivy tomorrow. Excalibur on Mayor's wall; may not need Dora's Catch Beads as Mayor is making Snow Festival proclamations welcoming master blacksmith Sunshine. Prison empty; guards on holiday. Phase four commence.

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_Day 26 of the Third Holy Month of Mars of the 249th Year of the Seal_

Dora hit me for sending her a Mimic. Noticed with some sick satisfaction the bruises on her head. Used Earthquake on her, giving her more bruises.

My plan is too late! Peter and Ivy are married. If it makes her happy, then…what can I do?

I finally heard from Laura that Dora is in love with me. She's just acting all tough to make sure I don't find out. Argh! If it were anyone else but Laura, I'd say they were lying. But Laura never lies! She's a household word! "He's as true as Laura"…and anything else! Gah!

Forget it…forget it. YOU SAW NOTHING!

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_Day 20 of the Second Holy Month of Mercury of the 251st Year of the Seal_

Peter came to me, talking about sons and Ivy and a guy named "Feefee". Venus, have mercy on my soul.

Dora came by. Does she really like me? I didn't want to find out. I waved at her while she went over the falls.

Dora's mom now fighting Dad again. Is 20th time this month. I don't wonder why Mom doesn't want a restraining order on Dora's mom.

Taylor officially announces his love for Lizzie. They dream together about having a daughter named Caitlin. I suggested "Kay" to them. They didn't take it.

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_Day 20 of the Second Holy Month of Mercury of the 251st Year of the Seal_

Ivy, once again, gave me a proper translation of Peter's Peterlish. Their son was to be named Felix, and his nickname was to be Feefee. And they would teach him Psynergy, and would make clothes for him…ugh.

I find Dora is growing on me. I didn't antagonize her today, when she came over.

Actually… I think I am…YOU SAW NOTHING! NOTHING, I SAY! Non quares inditere!

A little ancient Lemurian for ya. Had to learn some in school.


End file.
